I'm Grateful for All of It

There’s a song I used to listen to often during quarantine last March.

It’s been so long since I heard it that when it popped up on my writing playlist this morning, it instantly brought me back into the emotions of last year.

I remember when I first heard of there being a lockdown, I was nervous at the thought of being alone 24/7. Since no one living today has ever experienced quarantine before, I imagined worst case scenarios - military trucks in town ensuring no one left home, stricter regulations at grocery stores and pharmacies, and everyone around me becoming hospitalized.

Now, almost a year later, it’s interesting to see how our minds run to fear based thoughts at the dawn of the unknown, rather than embracing change with an open mind and heart.

Now, a year later, when I’m back to being busy most of the time and working six days a week, I observed myself longing for the peace that this song invoked, when I had nowhere to go, no obligations to dive into, and no real chaos leading my life.

I’d sit in my living room with a book and the sun resting on my face and read for hours. I’d write all day long, without judgment on the quality or quantity of my creations, but reveling in the mere act of creating. I’d make a meal from scratch and sit down to eat it without my phone, computer, or TV, and savor each bite without distraction. I’d sit in the corner spot of my bedroom that garners the most sunlight and bask in its warmth. I was kind, gentle and accepting of myself, because there wasn’t really any other option but to embrace my new normal.

It’s interesting that during such a “dark” time, or what most people label as dark, that I catch myself missing the girl who lived with more presence and mindfulness. I miss the girl who valued the current moment rather than her desired future. The girl who created time for quiet, simple pleasures, and didn’t need much but the escape into a good book or the intricate imaginings of her mind.

I’m grateful for the wisdom that my senses bring - the gift of sound and how I traveled back to a younger version of myself who I could learn a lesson from now. I’m grateful for the ebbs and flows of this mysterious life, and how our highs compliment our lows, and vice versa. I’m grateful for the imbalance, the constant swaying of desires and fears, for I’m ever changing and evolving. I’m grateful for 2020, for it led me into a world of internal peace I’d never discovered prior.

I’m grateful for this moment now, for this moment is my life. And I’ll be grateful for my future self reflecting on this moment and the wisdom I encompassed but didn’t realize.

I’m grateful for all of it.